The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Consumer Spending, a Google Phone, Or a Yahoo Meeting

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• Stronger-than-expected figures on consumer spending...
• A look into (GOOG) and what a potential "Google phone" could mean to the wireless industry...
• A meeting of Yahoo's (YHOO) bigwigs to "hash out details of the troubled Internet company's ongoing reorganization"...
• Chatter from Greenspan about his outlook for a recession...
• Expectations for a slowdown in earnings growth that would break "a 20- quarter streak of gains exceeding 10 percent, according to data compiled by Bloomberg"...
• A look [subscription required] into surging grain prices...
• Concerns [subscription required] about stagflation amid "Rising commodity prices, an ailing dollar, a housing downturn, slowing productivity growth"...
• A recall of playpens...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is this - Court won't declare chimp a person...according to the article, an animal rights activist group - Association Against Animal Factories - is pushing "to get Pan, a 26-year-old chimpanzee, legally declared a person"...

Are you kidding me? For months now I have been showing point after point that suggests a looming animal uprising. Just this Tuesday we saw a a criminal gang of baboons and the next day we had an orangutan mugging incident. And now some group wants to get a chimp declared a person?!?!?!?!?

That is just brilliant people! The animals won't even need to resort to violence or "guerilla tactics" - they can just wait until chimps are declared people and eventually given voting rights. Then they can just elect their way to power!!!!

And you know what really stinks about this whole thing? I just checked to see what my monkey name would be, and it is not good. Iron Vine-swinger? That is worse than Bright Eyes...