The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not EMC Corp, VMware, 3M, Countrywide Financial, or Eli Lilly

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• Earnings from EMC Corp (EMC)...
• Earnings from VMware Inc. (WMV)
• Earnings from 3M Co (MMM)...
• Earnings from Countrywide Financial Corp. (CFC)...
• Earnings from Eli Lilly & Co. (LLY)...
• Price cuts at Wal-Mart Stores (WMT)...
• A summary of President Bush's State of the Union speech...
• A concern that the Fed "may push interest rates below the pace of inflation" which could lead "to asset booms and busts that have to be dealt with later"...
• An increase in durable goods orders which is "suggesting business investment is holding up even as other parts of the economy weaken"...
• The battle between Barry Diller, of IAC/InterActiveCorp (IACI), and John Malone, of Liberty Media Corp...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is this - Angus Steer Escapes Slaughterhouse, On Loose in Cincinnati...this article details the search for a runaway cow that was able to outsmart its captors and make a run for freedom...glorious freedom...

As I am sure some of you may have already noted, Cincinnati is my hometown. And those who read the story will have undoubtedly noted the end of the article - "It's not the first time a steer has been on the loose in the Cincinnati area. In September 2006, a steer named Little Red ran from a fair and eluded capture for three days."

Regular readers of this space will immediately recognize this as just another data point in the pattern of animals outsmarting us. However, I also wonder if this will feed into another "theme" I have been tracking. As recently discussed, my home state of Ohio is apparently known for two things - Bigfoot sightings and drinking cheap vodka.

I wonder if there might be another round of "four-legged Bigfoot" sightings?

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not McDonald's, Verizon, Corning, Halliburton, Sears, or Mozilo

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• The move by Angelo Mozilo to forgo a severance package worth more than $37 million...
• Earnings from McDonald's Corp (MCD)...
• Earnings from Verizon Communications Inc (VZ)...
• Earnings from Tyson Foods (TSN)...
• Earnings from Corning Inc. (GLW)...
• Earnings from Halliburton (HAL)...
• Earnings from Black & Decker Corp. (BDK)...
• A look into potential bank failures...
• New leadership at Sears Holdings Corp. (SHLD)...
• A look at what President Bush's State of the Union address may hold...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is this - Trader with the right expression becomes media stock market poster boy...according to the article, "Dirk Mueller is a stockbroker, and thanks to recent market turbulence, also a star, not because of dubious trades or massive losses but because his face was just right for the job."

The article said that Mueller "incarnated the volatile stock exchange throughout the week" and was "attracting camera lenses like honey attracts flies." However, it didn't mention if there was a "I'm too sexy for the stock market" song in the works.

This, combined with Friday's discussion, led me to attempt my own "incarnation" of the market...

Yeah, I don't see anyone using me as a poster boy! What about you? Send your "incarnation" of the market to me at nperry@sir-inc.com or click here...

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Rogue Traders, Nokia, Qualcomm, Lennar, AT&T, Hershey, or eBay

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• A rogue trader that was able to rack up an alleged $7 billion fraud at Societe Generale...
• Earnings from Nokia (NOK) that are giving the stock a lift...
• Earnings from Qualcomm (QCOM) that are giving the stock a lift... [note - a gain today would help, but not eliminate, the concerns I noted yesterday...]
• Earnings from Lennar Corp (LEN) as the company "reported the largest quarterly loss in its history"...
• Earnings from AT&T Inc (T)...
• Earnings from Hershey Co (HSY)...
• The departure of Meg Whitman as eBay (EBAY) issues disappointing guidance...[note - see below for more on EBAY...]
• Talks [subscription required] of a MP3 service from Yahoo (YHOO)...
• A lack [subscription required] of buybacks...
• A look [subscription required] into the recent volatility with the comment - "Many traders were skeptical that the selling is over"...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is this - a breaking news video from CNN that shows sasquatch on the Moon. My colleague Mark Fightmaster passed this along to me and then followed up with this video link that delves deeper into the mystery.

This made me think of something....As we recently saw, my home state of Ohio is apparently known for two things - Bigfoot sightings and drinking cheap vodka.

If I follow the logic that comes with all this, I am left with a startling conclusion. It goes like this...Bigfoot is frequently seen in Ohio but also shown on the Moon, therefore, that must mean that Ohio is actually on the Moon. Wow, I need a drink...

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not CPI, Intel, JP Morgan, Oracle, Ambac, or Fed Rate Cuts

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• The CPI report that showed - "Consumer prices in the U.S. rose at a slower pace in December, signaling inflation may decelerate after rising in 2007 by the most in 17 years"...
• Disappointing earnings from Intel (INTC)...
• Disappointing earnings from JP Morgan (JPM)...
• The call from the markets for the Fed to cut rates aggressively...
• The acquisition of BEA Systems (BEAS) by Oracle (ORCL)...
• A look into the current economic gloom and what signs to watch for a turnaround...
• Skepticism [subscription required] on the banking sector as it is said "it is still too early to go bargain hunting among many financial stocks"...
• A dividend cut by Ambac Financial Group Inc. (ABK)...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest news is this trio -

• Higher wine prices boost drinking pleasure - "The more wine costs, the more people enjoy it, regardless of how it tastes"...
• Talk about things going really wrong... - "Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the groin as he was robbing a convenience store...surveillance video shows the man shooting himself as he placed the gun in the waistband of his pants"...
• Take a closer look. It's a chimp, dude - "A chimpanzee cannot be declared a person, Austria's Supreme Court has ruled..." though the Vienna-based Association Against Animal Factories will "take the case to the European Court of Human Rights"...

Yep, that is right. Another trio of articles that highlight the lowlights of human thinking. I don't know what will happen first, the animal uprising, the robot uprising, or the zombie uprising, but whoever strikes first should have a easy time. Of course, if it is the animals, the chimpanzee group above will probably be helping them.

And, as a special favor to loyal readers, I am willing to accept large sums of cash if that will increase your pleasure of reading this blog. Yes, I would do that just for you...

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Citigroup, Genentech, Merrill Lynch, Sears Holdings or Dendreon

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• A "record loss", and a dividend cut, from Citigroup (C)...
• A lackluster earnings report from Genentech (DNA)...
• A cash infusion for Merrill Lynch (MER)...
• An unexpectedly weak retail report that showed "Sales at U.S. retailers unexpectedly fell in December, capping the weakest year since 2002"...
• A look in Sears Holdings (SHLD) in the aftermath of yesterday's warning...
• A European patent for Dendreon (DNDN) that has the stock gaining ground...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is this - Dozens in Texas town report seeing UFO. According to the article, "Several dozen people — including a pilot, county constable and business owners — insist they have seen a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast...People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times"...

Yesterday it was zombies and today it is aliens. I am having trouble keeping track of what I am supposed to be afraid of. And speaking of zombies, Bob had this to say about yesterday's post -

"Nick, I think you missed the news about the new US currency..."

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not IBM, Sears Holdings, ImClone Systems, or Apple and Macworld

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• Better-than-expected earnings from International Business Machines (IBM) that is giving a boost to the stock...
• A warning from Sears Holdings Corp. (SHLD) that "earnings per share may fall as much as 51% from last year's levels"...
• Skepticism on ImClone Systems (IMCL) as it is said that the company "has bet virtually everything on its only product" but "some analysts are skeptical as to whether ImClone will continue its advance in 2008"...
• A move by General Motors (GM) to take a stake in Coskata, "a private Warrenville (Ill.) company that claims it has developed an advanced process to make ethanol cheaply"...
• Chatter about what the annual Macworld Expo may bring from Apple (AAPL)...
• A look at how economic weakness is expected to hurt retailers...
• A look into the uncertainty around bank earnings...
• Signs that the Fed may be willing to offer "a more aggressive response to the increasing risk of recession"...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest news is this pair -

• Scientists create beating hearts in lab - "U.S. researchers say they have coaxed hearts from dead rats to beat again in the laboratory..."
• Man accidentally hangs self in amateur stunt - "A man was recovering in a Vancouver-area hospital after an attempt to film a mock hanging as a stunt accidentally became the real thing..."

Great, just great - as if the world didn't have enough problems, researchers have now begun the first steps to create zombies. I know it is being developed to help people, but as the second story illustrates, people do dumb things so it is only a matter of time before some distraught scientist brings back his deceased loved one. Brain consumption and horror soon follow, see this list of zombie movies for various plots...

While I believe the looming zombie threat is the biggest news, I should mention that my colleagues Jocelynn Drake and Elizabeth Harrow both sent me the story below as a contender for creepiest news of the day...

• Twins separated at birth met and married - "A couple discovered after they had married that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families..."

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Countrywide Financial, Merrill Lynch, RF Micro Devices, P.F. Chang's or Bernanke

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• Word that Bank of America (BAC) is buying Countrywide Financial (CFC)...
• The belief that Ben Bernanke "is ready to make deeper interest-rate cuts"...
• A $15 billion writedown by Merrill Lynch (MER)...
• Lackluster sales from Tiffany (TIF)...
• A lowered outlook from RF Micro Devices (RFMD)...
• Upbeat comments from P.F. Chang's China Bistro (PFCB)...
• An upbeat earnings report from Infosys Technologies (INFY)...
• A wider-than-expected trade deficit...
• Optimism (mentioned earlier) on DryShips (DRYS), Chicago Bridge & Iron (CBI), and Microchip Technology (MCHP)...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is this - Bird dog steps on gun, kills hunter...according to the article, "A Houston-area man was killed in a hunting accident after his dog stepped on a loaded shotgun in the back of a pick-up truck"...

Now I know what some of you might be thinking...

"Come on Nick, don't go all animal uprising on us. This was just a freak-one-in-a-million-type of accident, don't read to too much into it."

And I would concede that point if it was first time we saw this happen. However, a reader pointed out a similar story a few months ago.

One time, a freak accident. Two times? Well, that is starting to get a little too coincidental...Coincidental like that whole Oscar the cat story from last year. I still think that cat's involvement was more sinister than it was portrayed...

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Alcoa, American Eagle Outfitters, E-Trade Financial Corp or Arson Boom

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• Better-than-expected earnings from Alcoa (AA)...
• The need for Citigroup (C) and Merrill Lynch (MER) to raise cash...
• Sales data from retailers including Wal-Mart Stores (WMT), AnnTaylor Stores (ANN), American Eagle Outfitters (AEO) and others...
• A lowered outlook from Capital One Financial (COF)...
• A look into why yesterday's turn around plan from E-Trade Financial Corp (ETFC) failed to inspire investors...
• An article that asks - "Will foreclosures spark an arson boom?"...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is this - Glowing pig passes genes to piglets...according to the article, "A cloned pig whose genes were altered to make it glow fluorescent green has passed on the trait to its young"...

Why are we making animals that glow the dark?!?!? Just last month we saw an article about scientists that made cats glow in the dark, and now pigs. As I said last time...

"Every couple of days I post a story that shows the signs of a looming animal uprising...and every so often I come across something that makes me understand why it is coming. Think about it...you have some [animal] trying to go to sleep and every time [it] shuts its eyes it sees light because its eyelids glow! It would be like staring at little neon lights all night long. That would be enough to push me over the edge.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not about to join the ranks of animal collaborators who are building rodent armor, but I do admit that I at least can understand their grievances..."

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Countrywide Financial, E-Trade Financial, SunPower, Evergreen Solar, or First Solar

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• Comments from Countrywide Financial (CFC) that follow chatter of bankruptcy...
• A turn around plan by E-Trade Financial Corp (ETFC)...[note - more on ETFC can be found here...]
• A dividend cut by MBIA Inc. (MBI)...
• Word that Goldman Sachs' economists are predicting a recession...
• An upbeat forecast from DuPont (DD)...
• Skepticism on solar stocks like SunPower (SPWR), Evergreen Solar (ESLR), Suntech (STP), and First Solar (FSLR)...[note - given the strong gains in the these stocks, a pullback isn't surprising. See yesterday's post on Solarfun Power Holdings (SOLF) and JA Solar Holdings Co. (JASO) for more on this]...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest news is this pair of seemingly unrelated articles -

• Man who hid knives in pants stabs self - "A man who hid hunting knives in his pants to try to steal them from a western Michigan store tripped while fleeing and stabbed himself in the abdomen"...
• Swedes to use body heat to warm offices - "A Swedish company plans to harness the body heat generated by thousands of commuters scrambling to catch their trains at Stockholm's main railway station and use it for heating a nearby office building"...

While at first glance they do appear to be unrelated, hindsight could well prove these were the beginning of the end for mankind. First let's start with "man puts knife in pants and then thinks it is a good idea to run". That provides just another example to build on yesterday's discussion of the looming animal uprising. That is plainly obvious. The second story, however, fits into a slightly different theme.

In a post last month we talked about the chimps taking control of the killer robots and I said - "Of course, after that happens and the animals win, the robots will then stage a Terminator revolt leaving us humans third on the food chain." Today's article about using humans for heating purposes creeps eerily close the plot line of the The Matrix where humans are farmed for energy. With this "heating" project, are we planting the seeds for the machine to build upon?

The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Starbucks, Bear Stearns, Amazon.com, Apple, or KB Home

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• A new CEO for Starbucks Corp (SBUX) as Howard Schultz takes over, again...
• A new CEO for Bear Stearns (BSC) after James Cayne steps down...
• A look into how the new music download service from Amazon.com (AMZN) could challenge Apple's (AAPL) iTunes...
• The purchase of Fast Search & Transfer by Microsoft (MSFT)...
• The focus on processors for "mini-PCs" by Intel (INTC)...
• A look into drug makers after "U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved 19 new drugs in 2007, the fewest in 24 years"...
• A loss for KB Home (KBH)...
• Skepticism on the market as a report from Standard & Poor's says - "we think something could be very wrong. We are therefore turning more cautious on the market for the next three to six months, and believe the chances that the 10% correction that we've seen turns into something more like a 15% to 20% decline"...
• Rate cut chatter as Philadelphia Fed Bank of President Charles Plosser "said further interest-rate cuts may be needed should the outlook for U.S. economic growth become 'substantially weaker' than already projected."...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest news is this pair -

• Dude, the cops will never smell it - "An officer heading home early Saturday smelled pot burning in the police station parking lot...Police said they heard a conversation centered on the irony of smoking pot next to the station from a home separated from the parking lot by a chain-link fence"...arrest follows...
• Elephants outsmarting humans on Indonesia's Sumatra: report - "A herd of wild elephants on Indonesia's Sumatra has repeatedly outsmarted efforts to stop them stealing crops"...where the animals "clamber over earthen embankments...by using their trunks to hold onto each other" and felled an electrified fence "using tree trunks"...

Just two more examples that support the case that we humans are in danger of losing our top slot of the food chain if and when the animal uprising begins...