The! Biggest! News! of! the! Day! - Not Goldman Sachs, FedEx, Bear Stearns, or Bernanke

Here are some of the contenders for today's biggest...news...of...the...day...

• An upbeat earnings report from Goldman Sachs (GS)...
• A downbeat earnings report from Bear Stearns (BSC)...
• A warning from FedEx (FDX)....
• Jobless claims data...
• Concerns that the Fed went "too far by lowering the target on its key federal funds rate by a half of a percentage point"...
• A plea for Bernanke to "fix the housing mess"...
• A move by Barry Diller and his firm, IAC/InterActiveCorp (IACI), to "revolutionize online games" which would be a blow to console makers...
• Expectations about what Ben Bernanke will say...

While those are all stories worth watching, I think it is obviously clear that the biggest story is, like yesterday, a trio. This group highlights the...well, lets call it the "frailty of thought process" that some exhibit...

• Man bitten after putting snake in mouth - "Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth. He was soon near death"...
• Man calls Feds about his lost cocaine - title says it all...
• Bored naked man tries to rob Pa. store - "Authorities said a man wearing nothing but a hat tried to rob a convenience store" but the clerk "refused to give the man money and dialed 911. The man left, still undressed, without getting any cash"...

I dub ye men - "Knights of the Dumb Table"...Com'on people, can we at least try to pretend like we are the dominant species of the planet? Any more of this and the animals will realize the planet is theirs for the taking...